Searching
I often have dreams where I am looking for something or someone. Apparently, this means I am searching for something in my life. I find myself thinking a lot about things I could do. You know, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” type thinking.
And it isn’t like I don’t have plenty to do right in front of me. I mean, you should see this living room right now. The boys are napping (yay!), but their toys are here just as they left them. I probably should be cleaning or paying bills or making some important phone calls. I could be folding laundry or maybe even napping. Instead, I am typing. Something else I add to my to-do list, and, in all honesty, this isn’t something I can do with the boys awake, and I enjoy it. That other stuff, well, except for the nap, I can do with them beside me…
So, yes, I have plenty to do. Yet, I’m always thinking, “what can I do? What would make me happy? What would make Him happy?”
I like to plan. I’ve realized that about myself. However, I am not so much a “doer.” I enjoy making lists and figuring things out. In fact, I’m reminded of a time in high school when I made a list. I wrote down all the years for the next 10 or 15. I included how old I would be each year and what I wanted to have accomplished at those ages. These accomplishments included graduating high school and college, starting and finishing med school (this was back when I wanted to be a doctor…before I took biology & zoology in college), and getting married and having babies. I can no longer recall the exact details, but I do remember daydreaming about it. I like daydreaming, and I view daydreaming as a type of planning. See? I like to plan.
Funny thing is, God had other plans. I just didn’t know it. And I didn’t know it because I wasn’t listening. I don’t think I knew how, really. I finally started listening about a year after I’d graduated from college (which I did do according to my plan). I had applied to a graduate program for school psychology. I was selected for the interview process and later found out I was not accepted. (I also soon realized school psych wasn’t really what I’d wanted to do anyway.) But…it opened my eyes…and my heart.
It was at that point in my life that I hit my knees, figuratively speaking. When I learned of my rejection, I cried…like a baby, I cried. I remember like it was yesterday. I was on my way home from work, listening to K-Love on the radio. I’d called Jeff & asked him to check my email for me. He read my rejection email to me over the phone (I don’t think he wanted to, but I made him). I found myself literally crying out to God after I’d hung up, asking Him, “What do you want me to do?”
I am not certain what I was expecting at that point. I was quite certain, though, that I was not meant to work in a daycare for the rest of my life making less than $10/hour. Yet, I had no idea what to do. So, I started begging God to tell me. And not just “tell me what to do,” but to tell me what His will for me was. Because I knew if I could figure that out, and DO it, I’d be happy…because I’d be doing His will and glorifying Him.
But how would I know? How would I know what His will was? Would I hear a booming voice? Would He send me a message? And if He did, would I realize it was God? How on earth was I suppose to know what God’s will was? I had never experienced God speaking to me. I had heard many people talk about it, but I could not relate. I really just wanted Him to tell me what I was put on this earth to do.
So, I started searching. I had a devotional book, and at present, I cannot recall the name of it, but it had an index. You’d better believe I was looking up, “God’s will” and “hearing God speak”..and reading anything and everything I could on the matter. I also turned to my Bible. I read things I just happened to open it up to. I read verses that were mentioned in the devotional book I was referring to. I completely immersed myself in God’s word. And I feel I did ultimately discover His will for me at that point in my life.
I am now finding myself searching again. I’m searching in my dreams. I’m searching in my head. I’m making lists (did I mention I also like to make “pros & cons” lists?) and Googling jobs just to see what is out there. What else can I do that would give me that fulfilling feeling? I love being home with my boys, but I get this feeling I should be doing something more. So, I search…Maybe I could work part time. Maybe I need some “me” time. Maybe I need some girl time or a date night. I need something, and as much as I think and make lists, I cannot figure out what it is.
At some point, in recent weeks, it finally struck me. I know what I need! I need God! I need that peaceful feeling I felt when I had discovered His will several years ago. I felt closer to Him then than I have ever felt. I need to feel that what I am doing is God’s will for me. I have now lost that feeling to a degree. And I want it back! I want to walk the path that was paved for me on this earth, and I want to glorify God’s name while doing it.
So, that is what I am going to DO. I am going to read my Bible, and I am going to pray. I am going to get off my spiritual couch and go for a spiritual walk…just me and God. My prayer is, that by doing so, I just might touch someone else’s life along the way. That is, afterall, one of my jobs, right?
Psalm 16:7, “I will praise the Lord who counsels me, even at night my heart instructs me.”
